I don’t even know how to begin this post to be honest. It is way way way overdue for those who have been following my journey. Life kind of got flipped upside down for a few reasons since over a year ago now. I am going to begin at the beginning, where we left off. I’ll gradually try to recap how the last year has felt and what I’ve been through.
3 days after my initial beta for transfer #5, embryo #6, another beta blood test was drawn. I anxiously awaited my results and luckily my clinic expedites them. My first beta was 75. My second beta was 314 (doubling time of 34.85 hours)! This increase was everything I had dreamed about. It was the relief I needed, but with it came more stress. Would it keep doubling? Would it slow down like my past pregnancies which stalled out completely ending in loss? With only two betas, I had major fears.
On 4 weeks 6 days or 15dp5dt, I started to bleed. Bright red blood with clots. I fell to the bathroom floor and started sobbing uncontrollably with my back against the bathroom door. Inconsolable. The same thing was happening again. I had a feeling. I called my clinic right away and asked for more bloodwork to confirm the inevitable…
17dp5dt: 2864 (doubling time of 37.63 hours) (I bled again on this day)
20dp5dt: 6385 (doubling time of 62.25 hours…..half the previous rate)
22dp5dt: 12385 (doubling time of 50.22 hours, still much slower)
(here’s a good beta doubling time calculator)
Then on 25dp5dt I bled more.
To say I was in a mental downward spiral was an understatement. My clinic stopped my betas there. They said it was giving me anxiety. My first ultrasound was not scheduled until after 7 weeks and I was only 6 weeks 2 days. Holy impatience and anxiety. My clinic was worried, so they scheduled my ultrasound for earlier on 6 weeks 5 days.
I walked into that office that morning completely numb. I got changed in the change room like I had a million times before, awaiting my fate. I layed down on the exam table, and the internal ultrasound began. I told the doctor – just tell me, I already know what to expect no need to sugar coat it. And he said, well you can expect a heartbeat because there it is! A heartrate of 108. The sac was abnormal though, despite being able to visualize the embryo. It was elongated, undefined, and it looked like something else was in there but it did not have any movement or signs of life. The doctor was stumped. They sent me off for a specialist appointment because they had no idea what was going on, but suspected a secondary pregnancy that was non-viable, but potentially in the same sac, which could be problematic.
How do you describe relief and panic all in the same moment? That’s what I felt. Once again, two completely competing emotions. More to lose now if it didn’t work out. My first healthy heartbeat. But once again, a cautious excitement. Always a cautious excitement.
